To contact Peter for an appointment click here. To email click here.
See our web site dedicated to sexual abuse, molestation and rape www.molestation.co.za/index.html it has lots more information.
Child molestation seems to be rampant not only in this country (South Africa) but around the world. Where once upon a time, it was an isolated issue, it has now become an every day occurrence.
If proper healing does not take place, molestation destroys the person – both male and female and can even destroy a family. And when exactly have we seen proper healing take place? Healing any of the above abuses requires intimate knowledge of what is the effect on the soul and the psyche. In molestation, the victims are many, not only the child in question, but the mother, grandparents, extended family, and siblings. However, in many cases several, if not all of the siblings, have also been molested.
Molestation has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with one's exerting their power and control over another. Molestation is the height of abuse, as it is the raping of one's very own soul. And this is the kernel of what needs to be understood if healing is to take place.
The ravages of molestation does not end upon completion of the act. They follow the victim throughout life. The effects are many and are played out in many different ways in the person’s life. The effect of molestation, rape or abuse touches on the insecurities of every family member.
When a child is raped, sexually abused or molested, what does s/he face? shame, feels unlovable, not good enough, dirty, everyone can see, cant trust, distrust authority, unsatisfying sex, distrust of men / women, hide behind barriers, low self esteem, non engagement in life, the male or female psyche of us is severely affected, often results in obesity, may result in anorexia, inappropriate sexual beliefs and behaviour, I am only good enough to be used for sexual gratification, their fault, power is abusive, cant be themselves, have to be another to be accepted, have to do things to be accepted by others, deny themselves, are often floaty and not present, have to carry family secrets, have great difficulty in saying no or putting healthy boundaries in place with people, etc, etc . The list is endless. This is a sample of what I have come across in the belief systems that the victims have taken on about themselves. This needs to be worked on and resolved.
S/he perceives himself bad. Dirty. Most unfortunate is the fact that this is very seldom a one time occurrence. The child becomes an object for the abuser's use, at his every whim or whenever the situation arises. Adding to the trauma, many times the child is threatened should he even think of confiding in anyone. The most used lines are, "They will never believe you, they will believe me." "If you tell, I will hurt your mother, your family, your pet . . ." or whatever that child holds most dear. This puts a tremendous burden on the child on top of the burden of the initial molestation. This directly affects the energy system of the victim.
The best possible solution to this dilemma is the child telling the mother or another adult, the perpetrator being confronted, arrested and put away. However, this very seldom happens. The truth of the matter is that should the child be brave enough to tell, say, the mother, it becomes such a shock that the mother's world shatters right in front of her. The next most destructive thing to happen is the mother accusing the child of lying. Many times this is done merely out of the mother's own shock, but it has devastating effects upon the child. The child often retreats within them selves telling them selves that if Mom wont believe me / support me who in the world will. Besides being the victim, feeling shame, guilt and loss of any self esteem that he might ever have had, the situation now is magnified by the mother's perceived unbelief, and now the child is confused with nowhere to turn. The child is between that rock and hard place, experiencing nothing less than complete disillusionment and distrust of the world.
Most mothers have no idea of how to heal this let alone how to cope with this news with her child – they just don’t have the skills. Many times the mother's unbelief is nothing but denial, as to acknowledge this as truth is the destruction of life as she knows it. It is very unfortunate that because of their own lack of self esteem and because of their own insecurity many mothers will put their own perceived wellbeing before their own child's. The mother's dependence, both physical and emotional on the man/woman in question takes precedence over the child's physical and emotional wellbeing. This is the scenario that takes place when a woman / man is with a man / woman out of "need" rather than because of "love."
The stage is now set for a destructive life pattern that will hound them until it is resolved within. It plays up in every facet of their lives. A child who, through no fault of their own, has been violated, now not to be believed.
Some children try and find the next best solution and they then seek (because they are seeking release for themselves in some unconscious way) to confide in another adult, such as a teacher. To their surprise their usually is an unexpected result and creates further pain within them. Often to protect that child, s/he is removed from the family to be put in foster care. This creates more trauma for the child. The effect here is normally on the child is that it is all my fault, feel guilty, and learn that it is not safe to express them selves as it leads to unexpected painful things happening. I get isolated from those that I love and care for.
Regardless of the circumstances, a child loves and needs to be with his parents, especially their mother. There is an instinctive bond that cannot be broken. Although the child is removed for their own protection, this adds more grief, on top of the other unmanageable burdens that the child must bear. All the while, the child perceives that this entire dilemma is their fault, they are responsible. Often society will turn on the child and say it was the way she was behaving. This confuses and magnifies the feelings inside. A child normally perceives that any unrest in the home is their fault. In this case, the abuser and/or his mother may have just reinforced it.
On the other hand, if a mother believes the child and takes the proper steps to bring the abuser to justice, does not necessarily bring about the recipe for a happy ending. There is still trauma that both parties undergo, the mother and child each experiencing their different trauma. However, the child in question is of primary concern. He is the one who receives everyone's undivided attention, even if the case goes to court and the perpetrator is incarcerated. The mother too often is left to deal with her own feelings, guilt, let down her child, trust the world around her and trauma alone. Whether the child receives help or not, too often this is the prescription for a ruined life: promiscuousness, unwanted pregnancies, alcohol, drugs, destructive relationships, the complete inability to apply proper boundaries, the list goes on and on from here.
However, very importantly, this does not have to be the end of the child / adult or mother's life. Healing can occur and they all can go on and lead happy and fulfilling lives. Of course, proper counselling/therapy is paramount. We need to start at the beginning.
Understanding the child from within
Let’s start with the child as a physical/spiritual being. Just try this exercise for a moment. Within your present awareness imagine bearing witness inside the body of a child who exhibits the symptoms of rape, sexual abuse, molestation.
This body provides the child with a physical home and vehicle for his life's journey. Their body is tense, muscles taut, and their breathing shallow. S/he does not seem to be aware of their body, s/he seems disconnected from it, it seems to move as if controlled by a force outside of itself. When we sense more deeply we feel as if the person is not present. The child (even carrying over into adulthood) is often caught “day dreaming” or others feel that they are distant or out there some where. Partners of a molested, sexually abused or raped spouse will often say that they are not present, they are out there.
Where are the feelings in this mix of soul impulses? When we look behind their absentness, distantness, day dreaming, non engagement in life in some way or always wanting to be safe, we can sense that there is a deep longing for something that he is painfully missing. There are feelings of being unworthy, inadequate, disappointed in themselves, guilty, frustrated, doubtful of themselves etc (see long list above) and in this negative frame of mind they are frightened of life in many ways. They live in angst. These feelings will mobilise their basic survival instincts to protect themselves, in the best way they know how. This is usually the wrong way but the child does not know any better. To overcome their negative self image with an over-powerful positive image, they often overcompensate in a myriad of ways. This can be through over eating and putting on extra weight, denial of self, do anything to be accepted by others, used by others, please others to be accepted, take drugs, act out, etc, etc. This activity is just the bi-product of themselves trying to function in what they perceive as normality. In fact he/she sees themselves as being normal within this difficult world.
When we engage one-on-one with the child, then we can contact the deeper nature of the child and listen to the wisdom which knows that deep longing for what is painfully missing. . . . . .. , who longs for and who knows there is something missing? What is missing?. It is the ground and centre of the child's very existence, their ‘I’, their soul or higher Self, that which gives them a secure sense of themselves, which gives to him his unique nature, which makes him different from every other individual and directs his life journey in a unique and special way. It is this inability to be at the centre of his own experience that the child is longing for, that causes so much inner distress and permits other forces to overwhelm the child's being.
This is the sad and difficult picture of the child that has been molested, abused or raped. It is a condition of imbalance caused by the missing centre, the balancing power, the ‘I’, which harmonises the soul cognitive (thinking), emotive (feeling) and volitional (willing) functions and holds the polarities of too much spirit-too much matter in check.
Solving this situation
Once we understand this picture of not being there, it also shows us how to solve it!!!!
A child with this emotional condition was once asked by me: What is the result of molestation, rape or sexual abuse? S/he replied: ‘That's when nobody is at home’. There are many reasons why nobody is home. The owner may not be comfortable in their body, it doesn't really suit them – after all s/he received a ready made home at birth from his parents, and in the following years after the event s/he feels that this home does not fit their true nature – (not even knowing what he true nature is) In many instances he/she now feels unsafe there. So s/he hangs outside too often. It is safe there, no one can touch them there. Anything can happen to the body – but they are OK. This is what makes them seem as if they are day dreaming, distant, not there, not interested. Often they are accident prone / clumsy / uncoordinated / can’t concentrate / forgetful, day dreamers, not there, not interested, etc. It is more comfortable outside than inside.
In healing this problem the first thing we have to do is get them back inside the body. But first we have to clean the body and make it safe for them. There is a whole procedure that has to take place for this to happen and normally takes several sessions. When this has transpired the adult / child then willingly re-enters. Second we have to look at the beliefs systems taken on about themselves during and following the event and resolve that, then there has to be a strengthening of the soul in the body, followed by anger management worked on as well as the application of proper boundaries instead of barriers. If the adult / child is correctly managed the chances of overcoming this seemly impossible condition is normally very good.
Tensions in the home – often one of the major contributors
For molestation, sexual abuse, or rape to happen in the home or family (where most of these issues occur) there is normally some tension in the home and the primary parental relationship is not functioning properly. There are normally power struggles, lack of respect, and dominance, abuse etc. taking place in the home or family. This normally creates tension and sexual frustration. This energy is then directed at one or more children in the home or family by the abuser.
With the child, their sense of self is further eroded by tensions in the parental home-life, and by pressures of many kinds, heightened by their sensitive nature, they feel even less inclined to stay at home in the body and build from within, a healthy and stable life for themselves.
How then can we invite the child to stay more often at home, how can we make it more comfortable and attractive for him to want to be there in his waking life? The child them self is unable to grasp an understanding of the missing person just because he is not present to do this, because he is not at the centre of his own experience. By puberty, with time and maturity most children do enter the home of their bodies sufficiently to function ‘normally’, because the progressive penetration of the ‘I’ into the body is the natural developmental process in all children. This is however not guaranteed and in many cases it remains like this for the rest of their lives. However, if we leave this to happen in its own time, there will be a huge cost to the child's psycho-spiritual wellbeing as well as having a direct impact on their own life later on in life.
If there is tension in the home in any way, they pick it up, they just know it – even if the parents think that they have not exposed there children to any hint of tension. This tension makes them feel ‘unsafe’ in their world and then they ‘pop’ out so to speak, or leave’s so that “nobody is home”.
This pattern is often repeated in the adult who was submitted to this, in later life. Every time there is a conflict of any sort they enact a similar behaviour.
As the child's caregivers we therefore need to step in. We need to be a model of the power that the child is lacking. We invariably need to sort out our own issues so that we can be there for our child. This requires us to find our right relationship with our own body and soul, with being at home with ourselves. This means creating in our life, the right balance, between spirit and matter, healthy rhythms and routines of living such as: eating, working, relaxing, and sleeping, a healthy diet and appropriate physical activity, a healthy interest in ourselves, in our primary and secondary relationships and in the world.
Only then can we offer the right support for the child who knows deep within him/herself what s/he is missing and for which s/he is desperately searching. We are then in the best position to apply all the above health principles to the child. If we have taken the interest to experience the child's inner life we will know how to support the child in the right way. The child will need to feel our ongoing interest and connection in their life, our consistent and firm containment of them and make them feel safe, our regular encouragement and praise for them as a real person. They will experience this as the support they need for building up the missing centre and willingly re-enter his body and be part and partake in their world. This brings great inner joy for them.
Counselling – normally a family affair
Counselling family members has a huge impact and is normally the biggest contributor to normalising the problem. The child in question is also encouraged to be at home in his body just like any other child. I have a particular technique that I apply when working with the child. It works very well, but must not be seen as the solver of the problem. This is normally a package deal, namely; address the environmental issues around the child, address family issues and then address the child issue. When the child has settled they then play a very important role in reducing stress in the family environment, they also contribute to creating awareness in the family. This child is often the growth catalyst for the family.
We can then further help the child with educational and remedial activities which support the child in his core being and specific therapeutic interventions such as body alignment, cranio-sacral therapy and other modalities all aimed at building and maintaining a stronger sense of Self.
What needs also to be understood that once we have been able to “get” the “I” of the child to take it’s rightful place in the body – it feels normally very strange for them and takes a while to ultimately settle and find out how does being in this body now work as opposed to before. The more that their family supports them the more s/he will stay in the body. In the follow up visitations I have measuring techniques that I use to see the progress and how well the process has worked. In most instances the parents indicate a marked shift in the next visit in the child which is confirmed in my measuring process. Children have somehow a knack of adjusting very rapidly.
The phenomenon of molestation, rape, sexual abuse is a powerful picture of struggle and challenge the child faces, this is often carried over into adulthood and is one of the major underlying causes of many so called emotional problems resulting in incorrect behaviour.
It is not that difficult a syndrome to heal for a child or a adult. I have worked with many. It does take however a commitment to the self to want to heal. Without this commitment I am wasting my time and the behaviours will continue until they are really tied of it.
Healing the molested child / adult
Self esteem, re- entry, safety and containment needs to be rebuilt. The thing to realize is that all this trauma, anger, hurt, has not been their fault. It has not been the child's fault, and it has not been the mother's fault. It is a situation that has been inflicted upon them and it has been beyond their control. We then need to constructively process the anger.
Lastly, and this is the most difficult part, but it must be done. I have a particular process to confront the abuser by the victim in complete safety and an exchange is made where the innocence of the child is given back to the victim in exchange for the anger given back to the abuser. This is particularly healing. We need then to forgive the abuser (for they did not know any better), and they had no idea of the impact that they would have on the child. Forgiveness is necessary for perfect healing. This does not mean that he can be a part of the family again. On the contrary, the abuser is in the past. The door has been closed. However, a heart that harbours hate is an unhealed heart. If necessary, we ask God or your Higher Power to help us to forgive that person. We then let it go. It is no longer our concern.
Freedom is then felt, we are free to live a brand new life. You have learned a lesson, that never ever will you let anyone hurt you or a loved one again. You go forth in life, always loving yourself first of all, protecting that innocent inner-child, and see what life brings to you. It will not be the end of your life, but a brand new beginning.
It always works out that way. It is very empowering.
There are several ways in which Peter works with clients. These are listed below;
1) Work through this in a workshop environment that is limited to 10 at a time. This I find is the best environment for the client as they realise that they are not alone in this. Secondly that the interaction between the delegates leads to a broad spectrum of healing, Thirdly it is the cheapest way to get many hours of therapy at a greatly reduced rate.
2) Work on a one on one basis. This is more expensive but more intimate. It is designed for those that feel too exposed to speak about how they feel in front of others with the same problem. This also works well but never quite gets the over all benefit of a group workshop. Something magic always happens in a group.
3) Telephone consultation. This is also a one on one basis. This is more expensive but more intimate.You would need to add the cost of the call into your overall cost as well. It is designed for those that are far away or that they feel too exposed to speak about how they feel in front of others with the same problem. This also works well but never quite gets the over all benefit of a group workshop. Something magic always happens in a group.Please call on +27 11 478 2633 to set up a time.
4) Internet consultation (via Skype). You would need a high speed connection such as ADSL for this. This is also a one on one basis. This is more expensive but more intimate.You would need to add the cost of the connection (if there is one) into your overall cost as well. It is designed for those that are far away or that they feel too exposed to speak about how they feel in front of others with the same problem. This also works well but never quite gets the over all benefit of a group workshop. Something magic always happens in a group.Please call on skype on "Fluedlove3" or +27 11 478 2633 to set up a time.
About the Author:
Peter has particular effective techniques in identifying what is going on within oneself, why is your life like this, what is going on, what is your thinking pattern and belief systems. Once identified, we then decide what it is that you want to do about your life situation. This is where you take control, take personal responsibility and choose to change what ever it is you want to, you then replace them with something substantially better. Peter has seen many clients’ lives change completely within weeks of a consultation. You can also do it.
Peter’s sessions are powerful, quick to resolution and bring about long term healing. Peter does not believe in long term therapy and in most cases between 5 to 10 hours of process work can sort out most minor problems be they business, personal or minor illness. In the case of severe trauma it does take a little longer as there is normally more than one area that needs to be addressed.
Peter is a Counsellor, Life Coach, Healer, Teacher as well as a Business & Personal Coach. He is an expert in the areas of Leadership, Self Empowerment, Healing and Personal Development and in integrating these several, seemingly different, disciplines, Peter is successful at this as the result of personal experience - a solid business background combined with a passion, and gift, for personal development and helping others.
To find out how Peter can help you to move your life forward, check out his website here , and contact him directly by e-mail on firstname.lastname@example.org .
To contact Peter for an appointment click here. To email click here.
Please read these articles hyperlinked below. They contain gems that will assist you to gain some insight into yourself and why this happened to you and how you got there. The real crucial thing is for you to understand, in some way – unconsciously – you put it there. All you need to do is discover how you did it then you can undo it. You can overcome it, many have already around the world. Because we are all constructed in the same way, we all have access to the same healing possibilities, if they can heal so can you. The final issue is that it is your choice!!.
Here are the articles on the website, enjoy and ponder – these are pointers for you. God bless you.
My Unconscious Belief Systems.
The Universal Laws and how they affect you. Once you understand them you can get them to work for you. Look also atthe Universal Law of Belief Systems – it will amaze you.
The wonderful world of Quantum Physics. See how this actually is the mechanics of the laws and the belief systems. Once you get this and use it to your advantage you will never look back. Never!!
Also look at the law of attraction and your belief systems. You will see how it is that you have attracted this to yourself to facilitate your growing. Learn it, the sooner you do the sooner you get better.
Now you may or may not fully understand all of the above. Contact us to teach you how to overcome it. If you can do it in your own – well done and God bless you. Please pass your insights and learning on.
Thank you - Peter
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