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Below is an outline or framework that I have constructed when teaching about relationships and how they should function. In the body below you will find many principles that if applied in a relationship will make any relationship move to a better and deeper place. I have never yet had any come backs on it.
There may be some aspects about this document that you don’t understand. Please contact me to discuss in a one on one or in a workshop environment.
A book written by Kahill Gibran “The Prophet” the story about marriage. In this text is what I have found to be the most relevant material written yet on relationships. Inside this short text, once we start to unravel it more and more we find truths of such extraordinary vale it is just amazing. I have used this outline for couples and workshops in relationship workshops. It never ceases to amaze me how my own learning’s evolve from this piece of work.
Marriage / Relationships
“Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage Master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
The symbology that is present in the story and the truth is huge. I would like the reader to ponder on what does he mean when he …….
- Talks about the temple and the columns
- Talks about being connected to mother earth, the foundation, practicality of things
- Talks about being connected to the divine i.e. the roof, sacredness of the relationship
- Talks about being independent yet interdependent
- Talks about giving each other space to experience life yet support each other
- Talks about life being allowed to flow between each other, the winds and oceans
- Talks about each pillar being a pillar of strength on its own yet working together to support their share temple roof / relationship
- Talks about the bond of love – that it is not all consuming – i.e. that I exist because the other loves me, rather let it be a like a moving sea between you and yet to give and receive equally (not just take)
- Talks about giving and receiving – not just giving and taking (bread and drink)
- Talks about having fun, laughter, laughing at and about yourself, at life, at mistakes, doing fun things together, etc
- Talks about you loving yourself and not letting someone else tell you how to love or that they should look after your heart on your behalf
- Talks about each pillar standing on its own, i.e. not supporting another or holding up one another, or not carrying another – this does not lead to support of the temple roof and it would lead to collapse
- Talks about how important it is that the pillars are apart to support the roof and be connected to mother earth and that they are not two near to each other – each has a space in the sun and must stand in the sun and not in each others shadow
- Talks about the fact that each one is not responsible for the other, each should be encouraged to be their own person. If one takes on the responsibility of the other, that partner is in effect stealing from the other the possibility of growth. I am the only one who is responsible for me – no one else. No one can do it for you either.
- Talks about each column and the boundaries that are necessary – if not, cannot be a column
- Talks about the importance of male and female being present in a column and importance of that. In every relationship there is a male and female is present no matter what kind of sex relationship it is. How the male and female stimulate that other part of ourselves.
- Talks about how it is that the other partner is there because they want to be there and not because they are bound by a document. They are attracted to your magnetic energy that you produce and will stay as long as you make it worthwhile. That means that if you carry on growing you and your partner will always offer more and so it becomes a richer and richer relationship.
- Talk about how empowering your partner on a continuous basis leads to a fully empowered couple. Mutual empowerment is absolutely essential ingredient for successful relationship.
SOME OTHER THOUGHTS ON RELATIONSHIPS:
Without commitment you cannot learn to care for another person more than yourself, nor learn to value the growth of strength and clarity in another soul, even if that threatens the wants of your personality. When you release the wants of your personality in order to accommodate and encourage another's growth, you attune yourself to that person's soul. Without commitment, you cannot learn to see others as your soul sees them - as beautiful and powerful spirits of Light.
You learn the roles of love and commitment and trust in making your partnership work. You learn that love alone is not enough, that without trust, you are not able to give and to receive the love that both of you have for each other. You learn that your commitment must be translated into a form that satisfies the needs of both you and your partner. You learn to value the needs of your partner as much as you value your own, because the partnership that you both want requires two healthy and inwardly secure individuals.
You learn that sharing your concerns with consideration and the intention to heal and trust in the process is the only appropriate avenue. As you approach your needs with courage instead of fear you ignite a sense of trust. The true human condition in its most perfect form has no secrets. It does not hide, but exists in clear love.
Individuals who experience what might be thought of as a martyr attitude see themselves as giving all that they have to others. They see this as a form of loving, but in truth the love that they give is contaminated because it is so filled with sorrow for themselves. A sense of guilt and powerlessness clouds the energy from their hearts and so when their affection is felt by another it does not feel good, actually. It feels somehow thick with need, yet the need is never articulated, so their love feels like cement pulling you.
Each interaction with each individual is part of a continual learning dynamic. When you interact with another, an illusion is part of this dynamic. This illusion allows each soul to perceive what it needs to understand in order to heal. It creates, like a living picture show, the situations that are necessary to bring into wholeness the aspects of each soul that require healing.
The illusion is a learning vehicle. It is of the personality. You will leave the illusion behind when you die, when you return home. Yet a personality that lives in love and Light, that sees through the eyes of its soul, metaphorically speaking, can see the illusion and simultaneously not be drawn into it. This is an authentically empowered personality.
The illusion is exquisitely intimate to the needs of each soul. Always each situation serves each person involved. You cannot, and will not, encounter a circumstance, or a single moment, that does not serve directly and immediately the need of your soul to heal, to come into wholeness. The illusion for each soul is created by its intentions.
Trust allows you to laugh. You can just as easily laugh and play while you grow as become serious and overwhelmed. Spiritual partners see from the perspective of the impersonal, and they help each other see from that perspective the meaning of their experiences. They can laugh at the richness and the beauty and the playfulness of the Universe. They enjoy each other. They see the frustrations of the wants of the personality for what they are, learning’s, sometimes great learning’s, for the soul.
HUMILITY:
An authentically empowered person is humble, A humble spirit walks a familiar world. People are not strangers to it; they are its companions upon the Earth. A humble spirit does not ask for more than it needs, and what it needs, the Universe provides. A humble spirit is content with the fulfillment of its authentic needs, and is not burdened with artificial needs. Humble spirits are free to love and to be who they are. They have no artificial standards to live up to. They are not drawn to the symbols of external power. They do not compete for external power. This does not mean that they do not take pride in what they can do well, or that they do not focus their efforts to produce the best that they can, or are not spurred onward by their fellow humans when that is appropriate to the situation.
IN MY WORKSHOPS ON RELATIONSHIPS I COVER THE CONDITIONS TO FOSTER PERSONAL GROWTH AND THEREBY FACILITATE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP AND AN EASIER LIFE FOR YOURSELF.
Here is a synopsis of each condition. If both of you apply these conditions in your relationship it is virtually impossible for you to struggle in the relationship.
Condition 1 - Personal responsibility
Condition 2 - Stop judging and get into the other shoes and see how it is from inside them
Condition 3 – Regard, as reality, ones own - internal dynamics, one thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires. The thoughts feelings etc are as real as an arm leg foot head etc.
Condition 4 – To stand in ones own truth in accordance to ones own inner guidance. To be true to one’s self. To also acknowledge the truth in the other and that there may be a difference in the truth between us.
Condition 5 – To action our own truth in the world. This is the reason we are here, to enable us to see what happens when we action our own personal truth.
Condition 6 – Gratitude - to one’s self for what you have achieved and to one’s soul for exposing one to the process of life to facilitate our growth.
Condition 7 – to have fun, enjoy the journey on the planet, don’t take it so seriously
Condition 8 – to be present
Condition 9 – to follow and applyt the universal laws so that by doing so our lives will enriched quicker, faster, richer and much easier.
The universal laws are the key to a much better existence all round. They are essential to learn and to integrate.
So what are these Laws and how do they work? There are literally dozens of Universal Laws that exist, but for ease of understanding, they can be distilled down to a main seven:
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Law of Control - The Law of Control simply states that we have high self-esteem and feel good about ourselves to the exact degree that we feel we are in control of our lives. Unfortunately, the majority of the population does not live according to the Law of Control, but rather by its inverse, the Law of Accident. The truth of the matter is that every one of us is in total control of our life, but until one takes the step to determine that they are personally responsible for what happens to them, then they cannot help but live by Accident.
Law of Accident - This Law of Accident states that we feel badly about ourselves and have low self-esteem to the degree that we feel events and circumstances control our lives. In other words, we are the victims of whatever else happens around us. If good things happen, then we benefit, but if bad things happen, we play the victim.
Law of Cause & Effect - This Law of cause and Effect is also known as the Iron Law of Human Destiny because it is so profound and powerful. Simply stated, the Law of Cause & Effect says that everything happens for a reason. All actions have consequences, as do all inactions. Distilled down to the simplest possible terms, this law states that for every effect in one’s life, there is a specific cause. The law can also be applied in the physical sense through examination of Sir Isaac Newton’s third Law of Motion, which states that “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” If, for example, you were to hold your hand over a candle’s flame (the cause) the effect would be that your hand would burn and it would hurt!
The truly wonderful thing about this law is that by definition then, we should be able to manifest that which we truly want (the effect), simply by exerting the same causes that others before us have exerted and been successful.
Law of Belief - The Law of Belief states that whatever you believe with feeling and conviction becomes your reality. It is not until you change your beliefs that you can begin to change your reality and your performance.
You have heard the doubters and the naysayers out there who always proclaim “I’ll believe it when I see it!” In reality, it is the other way around; it is not until you believe it, that you will see it (no matter what “it” is)! Self-limiting beliefs are perhaps the most detrimental of all thoughts, since they absolutely will keep you from the success that you may want, but don’t believe you can attain. There is an old saying that goes ”whether you think you can or you can’t, your right!” This saying is completely congruent with the Law of Belief.
Law of Expectation - Simply stated, the Law of Expectations tells us that whatever one expects, with confidence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When one expects with confidence that good things will happen, they usually will. If, on the other hand, one expects a negative outcome to a situation, then the outcome will usually be negative.
Our expectations play a key role in our own outcomes and they also have a remarkable effect on the people around us. What we expect from those around us determines our attitude toward them more than any other factor. In turn, the people around us tend to reflect our attitudes right back at us - whether the expectations and attitudes are positive or negative, good or bad.
Law of Attraction - The Law of Attraction states that we attract into our lives, that which we focus our thoughts upon. If your thoughts are constantly on positive outcomes and good results, then that is what we will manifest. If, on the other hand, your predominant thoughts are on negative outcomes and poor results, then that is what you will attract. This is based on the fact that the Universe is simply magnetic energy in motion. Emotions, thoughts, feelings and objects – absolutely everything has a magnetic frequency. Since like attracts like, it is only logical that the magnetic frequency of your predominant thoughts will attract results that have a similar magnetic frequency. We know that emotions that are love-based (love, desire, happiness, wonder, joy etc.) have a very high magnetic frequency, whereas emotions that are fear-based (anger, hatred, intolerance, fear, sadness etc.) magnetize at a very low frequency.
Law of Correspondence - “As within, so without” is an old saying that perfectly describes the Law of Correspondence. This simply means that what happens on the outside is merely a reflection of what is happening on the inside. Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. An individual that is unhappy and living in conflict with themselves, will always exhibit negative behaviours on the outside. Sometimes, one can mask these negative behaviours and thoughts, but the true feelings will eventually reveal themselves. You may have heard the saying “A leopard does not lose his spots” Everything in our lives is a mirror of what is happening within us. If you want to make your outside life better, the only way to accomplish this is to change what is happening on the inside.
In order to live the successful, happy life we all deserve, it is necessary to understand and live by Universal Law. The best way to do this is to first and foremost, take control over your thoughts and to stay in the present moment. Ask yourself constantly; "What am I thinking about right now?" If the answer is something negative, then take the opportunity to change your thoughts. This will start to put you back in control of your life which is the first step to lasting happiness and peace of mind!
There is no mystery to achieving success - it is available to all of us. One needs only be aware of, understand and live in accordance with Universal Law!
From these seven, everything else flows. There are sub laws within these seven laws. The beauty of the Laws is that once one understands and lives in accordance with them, life becomes extremely simple and effective.
Condition 10 – doing all of the conditions continuously and consistently.
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DISSOLUTION OF RELATIONSHIPS
All relationships come to an end in some way over time. We need to look at them for what they are and there purpose and what they did for us while we were in the relationship – for we all grew from them in some way – that is the reason that we were attracted to them in the first place – they were opposite to us in many aspects and we were supposed to learn those skills from the other. If we don’t and leave it to the other then conflict in the relationship arises and maybe eventually we split up. When that happens we should look at the dissolution as a joyous occasion.
Reasons for dissolution of relationship. – discussed in the workshop
Dissolution with honour – how to do it discussed in the workshop
SAFETY CONTRACT
If you are in a relationship and things are a bit rough then I would suggest that you try a safety contract to be put in place between you and your partner. I have an outline which I teach when I offer a one on one or in a workshop environment. It is something of profound value and has turned many a relationship around. – discussed in the workshop.
Results
From personal experience the safety contract between me and my partner has brought a great deal of safety, depth, mutual deep love, respect, nurturing and caring which has resulted in, not only a wonderful relationship but one that promoted rapid growth on both sides. I have used this between partners, parents and children, business partners, same sex partners and colleagues with great success.
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